i choose better

As I continue to read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, the quotes are jumping off the pages! I want to share lots of them on this blog! And perhaps i will. But for now, as i consider my own story, i thought this small section would be a good one to post:

My friend Josh Shipp is one of the greatest communicators I've heard. He's only in his twenties but speaks around the country at high schools and is often a guest on MTV. Kids love him because he is funny and direct. Josh grew up in more than twenty foster homes, never knowing his real parents. And yet he is incredibly successful. I asked Josh why he's so healthy, so emotionally stable, considering his childhood. Josh told me something I'll never forget. He said, "Don, when something hard happens to you, you have two choices in how to deal with it. You can either get bitter, or better. I chose to get better. It's made all the difference." (pp. 180-181)

I. LOVE. THIS. It's probably the simplest form of expressing this idea that I've come across. It is SO true too. There really are only those two options, bitterness or betterness (new word??). As I reflect on my own life, there have been different situations that have easily lent themselves to justifiable bitterness. It made sense that i would feel bitter. But God wanted more for me. He knew that if i allowed myself to remain in that bitter stage, I would not become the woman he made me to be. So after some time, I chose to get better.

Making that choice is step 1. Step 2 is actually getting better. That's the hard part. That's the part that's painful and icky and forces your emotions to go to places you'd much rather avoid. It's what i like to call the growing pains. In order to grow, we must experience these pains. If we havent yet, then have we really grown??

Step 3 is a sheer delight! It happens when you reach the other side of the pain and realize that you are better! And not just like "better" in the form of "i'm better from my cold, therefore I'm back to who i was before the cold." It's like an abundant, awesome, "let's celebrate!" kind of better. You're not who you once were. Rather, there's a lightness in your soul. Bitterness is no longer the lens from which you view the world around you. And best of all, you are free to be the best version of you!

Only through the love and grace of Jesus have i been able to release my bitterness in the past and move forward, embracing that freedom and joy. As my future unfolds, His love and grace will allow me to keep choosing better. Praise the LORD!!

photos and the gym

It's been 2 days since i wrote my last post and i am happy to report that my creativity and motivation to do new things is going well! Yesterday and today, i got up early and went to the gym! A month or so ago, this was turning into a habit, and then i hurt my neck, then my foot and yada yada yada, i havent worked out in a good while. So this is a great accomplishment! And it feels great to force myself to wake up and take control of my day from the start!

Last night when i got home from work, i had the apt to my self for the evening. Immediately when i walked inside, i was craving some lounge time! My determination kicked in though, and i forced myself to keep moving...tidying up, cooking dinner, etc. By the time i had eaten dinner, i was still energized and excited to tackle my shutterfly photobook project. And that is what i did for the majority of the evening. It was quite lovely!

creativity

I'm sitting at my dining room table writing on this here blog while my wonderful husband writes in his journal. We have a box of crayons and markers in between us, along with a sketch pad to his left and a coloring book to my right. Photos are being uploaded onto my Shutterfly account in the background. We are relaxing. But not any kind of relaxing... creatively relaxing!! And it. feels. good.

We've decided to RECLAIM CREATIVITY!

We human beings are filled to the brim with ideas, colors, imaginations, art, song, dance, music, and the list goes on and on... And yet, i dont know about you but for me it can be oh so difficult to even so much as pick up a book at the end of the day. But whenever i get going on some sort of creative task, i find that i gain energy! My husband feels the same way. So we have decided to make time for it.

We both were feeling somewhat aimless today, reflecting upon the past few weeks which have been filled with life and busyness. Good things yes, but leaving no time for creativity. In fact, one of our friends wrote a post on his blog this morning expressing similar feelings. Going, going, going without much time to smell the roses, let alone draw them!

Thus, my husband and i decided tonight that we want to ACT, not just talk about acting. We want to make positive changes in our lives NOW instead of wishing that we had made them 10 years from now. But as I have experienced in the past (example: project wake up = fail!), veering from our individual version of "the norm" takes major discipline, diligence and determination... and God!!!

So we'll see what transpires in this new season, as we seek to make time for and embrace creative moments more often.

a great story

I've been reading a string of good books recently, from the fiction novel The Help to Jodie Sweetin's autobiography (which is so sad!). The latest is Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I would classify him as a brilliant author in that he tells stories in a way that shows he is just as much on a journey as the rest of us. He isn't at the "end" and now telling us all how to live. He's rather in the midst of it, exposing just as many of his own flaws as he is nuggets of truth. I like that. I like his transparency and boldness, feeling free enough to write about his imperfections. Heavens knows we all have them!

He shares with his readers in a very real way how God is shaping his life. Not every chapter has the word "God" in it and i think that's ok. Because if you've read Donald Miller, you know that God is sprinkled throughout his life and choices, and is simply a part of who he is.

This book talks about his discovery of the importance of a good story, in our lives, not just on the big (or small) screen. He wants to live a great story and recognizes that in order to do so, he must take risks and get out of his comfort zone. Otherwise, his life won't really be that great of a story. The more risks he takes, the bolder he becomes and then the more risks he wants to take. It's a cool cycle that once he gets in, he can't (and frankly doesn't want to) get out of.

The idea of living a great story is a really cool way to approach our lives. And when i think about the Bible, i immediately think of the richness of the stories - David and Goliath, Joseph, Moses parting the Red Sea, Jonah and the whale. And then i think about Jesus' time on earth. How did he teach? Through stories.

They are everywhere!! The great ones get passed on to new generations, through words, actions, influences, etc. The not so good ones lose a spot in history.

My prayer is that my story will be one of the good (and dare i say "great") ones. That doesnt mean that I want to be well-known, but i desire to take those risks, to radically love on people, to look at life as an adventure, and to have a positive lasting effect on those around me.

Thank you Donald Miller, for another great expression of truth and thus, another great story.

loneliness

I am taking a Group Counseling class this semester. It is a required class for my School Counseling grad school program. The class is fascinating! And so is the text book. Thankfully, my husband finds the subject of counseling about as interesting as i do because when i read this book, i often turn to him every few minutes saying, "you've gotta hear this!" It's Good Stuff.

The author, Irvin D. Yalom talks about some common, universal issues that people struggle with. Loneliness is one of these. He indicates that virtually everyone has feelings of loneliness, and that this can often lead to depression, anxiety, etc. I certainly have dealt with loneliness, even at times when no one would suspect it. I would have thought that living in New York, being surrounded by people ALL the time from the sidewalks to the subways would keep us New Yorkers from feeling lonely. In actuality, it seems to perpetuate it even more.

New York is filled with people. People on the go. People on bikes. People asking for money. People with big strollers and umbrellas (that often dominate the sidewalks and drive me nuts!, as i mentioned here). And yet it is extremely rare to cross paths unexpectedly with someone you know. We are virtually all strangers, living in proximity, sharing common modes of transportation, but yet very disconnected from each other. Thus, it can be even more lonesome in a big city because it is easy to romanticize about the life of a bustling passerby, and therefore assume that he or she is doing "just fine" while you are not.

Yet the reality is that that person we pass who appears to be "just fine" is very likely making the same judgment about us! All the while, no one is really "just fine."

I think there is such a healing power in knowing that we are not alone when it comes to some of these universal struggles.

So here I go, opening up, sharing more truth:

Do i feel lonely all the time? No.

Have i gone through seasons of loneliness? Absolutely.

Do i occasionally find myself struggling with feeling lonely? Of course.

To take it one step further, i believe that this void in our hearts will not be completely filled until we are reunited with our Maker in Heaven, which will ultimately satisfy the desires of our hearts. He is what our hearts ultimately long for, to be in community with Him, and when that day comes our loneliness will forever dissipate. Until that time, there is no getting around it. We will feel lonely and discontented, not always but some of the time (and perhaps for some, a lot of the time).

In the meantime, i have found comfort in knowing that loneliness is indeed a universal issue. We are not alone in feeling alone!! I pray that people may find rest in this fact. And that perhaps the walls we put up in order to protect ourselves may come down, so we can better know and care for one another. For me, this discovery is a freeing one! It also keeps me from prejudging those i pass and instead moves me to pray for them, their day, their heart, the struggles they have.

So as i strive to become more transparent, i hope that through this post, someone out there might feel a little less alone today.

not always rays of sunshine

In re-reading my post from yesterday, i wonder if it was a bit too jumbled for folks to gather what i was trying to convey (as i wrote in that cloudy, down state i was in). So i thought, again with the intention of being transparent, i would give a little background on where i was coming from and why it was such a big deal for me to be ok with being down.

The Lie:

Appearance is everything.

This is something that was unconsciously instilled in me oh, who knows when by who knows who. But as i think back on my life and childhood, i have no recollection of NOT believing this. As long as i appeared to be "fine," and acted like everything was ok, then the outside world would believe it. After all, why burden others with my problems? That's not what they want to hear. People want to hear good things! They want to hear the successes and only the successes.

This, again unconscious, mentality led me to push down the negative feelings and emotions. And let me tell ya, pushing them down does not make them go away! In fact, they manifested themselves, albeit subtly, in other aspects of my life and personality. For some, they will manifest into violence and drugs and loads of other dangerous choices. Thankfully, my life did not take me in that direction, or anywhere near there. Nonetheless, i had issues and many stemmed from my belief that it was not safe to express the ups and downs of life.

As the years passed, I sought counseling for other, seemingly unrelated, issues. Counseling is something i believe every person should undergo. Without it, i would never have made the connection (and so many others) between some of my personal struggles and this lie that appearances are everything. What i believed for my entire life to be the norm turned out to be nothing but a pathetic lie that had paralyzed me for years in ways beyond my own understanding. Had i not had the help from counselors, to bring to light these dark lies that had shaped so much of who i was, then i would today be vastly further from knowing, and living out, who i truly am. I would still be walking in this darkness, shoving my true self down, as far away as possible from others, because, well, that appearances thing would be dictating my choices.

Exposing this lie led me to acquire a deep, wonderful, glorious freedom within myself to express my full range of feelings and emotions, good and bad, with the people around me. I have not yet mastered this new way of living. This is, after all, 20+ years of living through the lens of a lie! Rather, I give myself grace and simply continue on this path, embracing as much as i can this newfound freedom to express myself.

Thus, on days like yesterday, i occasionally still find myself struggling to allow myself to feel down, and to let others in on it. Focusing on truth, and detaching more and more from those lies is a great tool to help me on those days.

bad day

In an attempt to be transparent on here, I would like to share that I am having a bad day. Nothing in particular is getting me down per se, but I am simply having one of those days where I feel down. And the truth is that I am giving myself a hard time for this because circumstances tell me that life is good! The sun is shining, I am blessed beyond belief with my wonderful husband, family, church family, and the list goes on and on... As I write that, i recognize how silly it is to get frustrated with myself for not feeling a certain way because of my circumstances. There's no long term substance or grounding there. Circumstances are fleeting, as are emotions. And if i look to them for my source of happiness and fulfillment, i too will be all over the map. So i turn to God. But there has been some strange distance between Him and me lately. Not a "do i believe" kind of distance at all! Rather, it's been one of those seasons where I truly have to rely on what I know to be TRUTH because the feelings are not consistent. Which is a good season to have because it reminds me of how fleeting feelings and emotions really are.

To sum it up, I will allow myself to have this bad day, accepting where i'm at without over-analyzing it (which sometimes is oh so tempting to do!).

I will, though, take captive these negative thoughts (which i know are NOT true at all), call them out, and replace them with TRUTH. If I am going to have a bad day, let me at least eliminate what i know to be false.

Truth: I am a child of God. I am beautifully and wonderfully made by Him. He DIED for me! Even if i had been the ONLY person on earth, He still would have died...for ME! I, then, (clearly!) have value. I have worth. God told me so.

new favorite quote

I have received several comments over the years about the quote that i used as my "signature" at the end of my emails. It was one that i found in the book Captivating, which is still and will always be one of my favorite books. I grew as a person tremendously from it. When we first started dating, Ben read Captivating and I read the men's version of it, Wild at Heart. These books spawned many deep discussions and helped us get to know one another. Couples near and far, we recommend doing this!!

The quote was:

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus."

SO TRUE!! I love it still to this day, and still find it to be such a comfort, especially in knowing that Jesus is with me all the time. Therefore, what is there to fear?? Um...NOTHING. Ahhhh, such sweet, sweet freedom.

So as you can see, this quote is near and dear to me, so in order to say that i have found a new one to turn to and find truth from, indicates that it must be great.

I found it in the book i'm currently reading that I talked about here. It is specifically in Chapter 3, Struggle: The Spirituality of the Desert Saints. I for one had never heard of the desert saints (has anyone??) and am discovering the vast amount of wisdom that these folks have to pass on. This particular quote is part of their core beliefs. My prayer is that this wisdom will reach the core of my spirit and shape me. It is one thing to read a good book or good quote; it's another to have it change the reader. That is my prayer - that i will be truly changed by what I am reading.

This particular quote i find to be filled with truth and it also comes at a perfect time.

So here it is:

"...the goal of life in this world is not ease, prosperity and success but intimacy with God, maturity of character, and influence in the world."

Having just returned to New York from a fantastic vacation in North Carolina and Tennessee, i have been noticing more than usual the difficulties of New York living. You know, no laundry or dishwasher, having to walk everywhere even when it is 95 degrees outside, lighting issues in the apartment, noise, costs... So this quote is reminding me that in this life, I will struggle. I will not always have ease and comfort. I may some day not appear to be successful in the world's eyes. But if those things are not my goal, then they don't have to affect me, who I am at my core.

I desire so much to increase my intimacy with God, to continue to become a woman of mature character, and to make a difference in the world during my lifetime. These are the things of substance. These are the things that really matter.

I pray that I will truly, deeply be changed from this.

imitation

My husband and i have recently been reading Hebrews. We have had a wonderful discussion on the first few chapters and hope to keep the discussions going! In the meantime, i spent some time meditating on chapters 5-7, seeking to absorb them as best as i can.

Upon reading chapter 6 the first time, i was immediately struck by verse 12: "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Imitating those who have come before me.

At about this same time i had just finished reading this memoir and had rediscovered my love for memoirs. (Girl Meets God is one of my favorites.) So i found it appropriate that i now felt called by God to read more of them in order to learn from, and thus imitate, others.

So i began my search for the *perfect* person whose life i could learn from, in a Christian, Jesus-filled kind of way, who had also written about it. I started off at Barnes & Noble, perusing their Biographies and Memoirs section. Nothing stood out. I then spent an endless amount of time checking out all the books on Amazon's "bestselling memoirs" list. Again, nothing that really grabbed my attention. Clearly someone's story should suffice, right??? But since i had received Word from God about imitation so clearly, i didn't want to simply settle for just any book.

And then one day i arrived to work (like i always do), turned on my computer monitor (like i always do), and began my day (like i...well you get the idea. same old same old). All the sudden, i looked down at the two books that i have stacked underneath my monitor (to raise it) and thought, "hey, i wonder what these are all about." To my amazement, one of these was the perfect book!

It's called Water from a Deep Well: Christian Spirituality from Early Marytrs to Modern Missionaries. It takes the reader through Christian history, specifically highlighting those Christians who have stood out for one reason or another. So not only do i get to read about one person, i get to read about several people throughout history!!

I have been reading whenever I have the chance and have been captivated by the stories and lessons I can learn from those who have come before me. Plus, it's written in a reader-friendly kind of way so I haven't ever gotten the sense that I'm reading a text book.

I highly recommend this for anyone who would like to imitate those who have come before us. There's so much to learn.

More info on the book can be found here.

yummy childhood goodness with a twist

Today I found out some great news... some TASTY great news. Two of my fondest, tastiest treats from my childhood have joined forces to create what I believe will be one of the yummiest treats out there.

Before I unveil this new creation, here's a brief background of the two treats i grew up with.

The first treat:

photo credit

When i was in elementary school, the only Krispy Kreme shop nearby was located in Daytona, FL. Therefore, whenever we would venture to the beach, we would also stop at Krispy Kreme and enjoy some doughnuts!! It was a win win situation! Beach time and doughnuts. I never imagined that a better combo could be born...until today.

The second treat:

photo credit

Cheerwine. Ahhhh... Love it still to this day! For those of you who don't know, it's a soda that has a very distinct taste, almost similar to dr. pepper cherry vanilla. It too was hard to come by, since it is only available in the Carolinas. I connect my love with Cheerwine with childhood memories of cabins and family vacations there. My grandparents rented out cabins (and eventually built their own) in North Carolina and we had quite a few family gatherings there through the years. Oftentimes, my sister and i would insist on having our parents bring back a few 12 packs of Cheerwine to Florida!

And now, the great unveiling...

photo credit

The Krispy Kreme Cheerwine Doughnut!!!
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/07/16/krispy-kreme-cheerwine-doughnut-announced-lets-brainstorm-other-ultimate-southern-collaborations/

And this makes me VERY excited! Especially because i'll be heading down to North Carolina next week where I will be able to indulge in this fabulous combo!! When i return, i will post my review.

moments from heaven

My co-worker (and Pastor of a church in NYC who i'll refer to as PC) just returned from an hour and a half "coffee run."

But there's a Starbucks on every block in New York! Why the heck did it take so long??

Well, in Starbucks PC noticed a guy sitting at his own table, reading The Shack. (PC and I have spoken many times about this book and about how life-changing it has been for many, including people close to us.) So PC made a comment in passing to this guy of how good a book it was.

The guy responded, "Do you know much about it? Because i've got a lot of questions."

And thus began an hour long conversation between them about the book, Jesus, Christianity, and other such topics. PC has a gift for engaging in natural conversations with people about these topics, never getting into "debates" or seeking to "convert" but rather hearing the person, getting to know them, and addressing their needs in love.

At the end of their time together, no major conversion took place. The gentleman did not declare himself to be a Christian. (But is "on-the-spot conversion" the point? I don't think so.) Rather, he left with a sense that he was heard, with a greater understanding of Jesus and with much to contemplate. This conversation may perhaps serve as a mile marker as his journey continues onward.

I love it when God gives us moments from Heaven like this.

another definite "elaine" experience

This is not one of my prouder moments, but i feel that writing about it will help me move forward and ease my mind. Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine is pretty sure that the ladies at the nail salon are talking about and laughing at her? Well, that is EXACTLY how i felt at the nail salon today, and it. did. not. feel. good! :(

I was super excited for my "July mani/pedi." Summer school ended last week, and this was a wonderful way to celebrate and also get "prettied up" for my upcoming weekend in PA. So i scouted out a few places and settled on a small place that advertised a $19.99 deal for both! Perfect! Jack pot! AND it was only three blocks from my apt.

My overall experience at this Chosen Place was pleasant, aside from another customer next to me, who insisted on having her manicure done a certain, unnecessary way. I tuned her out as best as i could. I chose my pretty bubble gum pink color and all was groovy...

Until it was time to pay...

Normally, I have cash on me. But not today. So when I was asked to pay, I politely asked if i could put the tip on my credit card. No was the answer, followed up with but you can get cash from the ATM next door. Back in my single days, i would have happily obliged but, well, nowadays my husband and i are on a budget and really every dollar is important! I couldn't justify in my mind spending an additional $2.50 (most likely) on that darn ATM fee.

Now i have been told that i can be quite charming and convincing in times like these. I usually can "make things happen" for myself, and do it gracefully. I tried this.

Since this is my first time here, is there any way that i can charge the tip on my credit card just this once? (insert smile and shoulder shrug) And I'll know for the future to bring cash.

Not only did i get the cold shoulder from the store owner, I got ignored by her! She continued to look down at her magazine, even though i was a mere 4 feet away!

I started to get aggravated.

Excuse me, ma'am? MA'AAM???

She finally looked up and, well the rest is a bit of a blur... I ended up being charged an additional dollar for having used my credit card for the tip AND found out that I had been charged another dollar for something else that i had not been told would cost a thing! I spouted out some things about how i would not be coming back there and how i was shocked by the customer service and treatment i was receiving, etc...

And then i had to wait for those dang nails to dry! So i sat, tension filled, so NOT relaxed after my time at the spa...

and that's when it began... the huddle of female employees in the corner, then the laughter, and then at one point, one of them literally pointed at me!! I wanted to run for the hills!!

...but those DANG slow-drying nails!!!

So sit there, i did. Until FINALLY!! They were dry!!!

I left with the little bit of dignity that i could muster and came home feeling wiped out and sad. Elaine walked out of her salon in much the same way. I may even have some mascara smudged below my eye like her.

Relaxation attempt - FAILED!

p.s. When I told my husband this story, he so kindly replied, "honey, just so you know, in the future, you have my full support to use one of those costly atm's if it will save you aggravation like this!" :) I love him!!

waking up is hard to do-ooo

After a few months of contemplating this idea, giving it one faulty try, and talking with others about the issue, I have made the leap into morningdom. This is a feat that could not be done on my own, however. I am doing this alongside some other amazing people in my church community. We have committed to waking up at least 20 minutes earlier than normal for some intentional God-time, for the next four weeks (and beyond). Along the way, we are sharing with each other our thoughts, struggles with tiredness, and ways that God is speaking to us and through us. Day 5 is upon us and so far, so good! I'm not saying it has been "easy," but i will say that it's been worth it and the fruits of our sacrifices are already showing!

One of the first thoughts i had prior to Day 1 of this season was, "My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak." This summed me up! I so desperately wanted to start my day with God, allowing Him to "fill up" my spiritual/emotional tank each day, but I just didnt think that the sacrifice of less sleep would do me any good. I need sleep! I need rest! And, yes, this is of course true, but what i gathered from that verse (not sure where in the Bible it is) was that if i have a willing spirit, God will take care of the rest.

And He has!

In fact, this week i have had a couple of incredibly tired days. I mean, we're talking cant keep my eyes open kind of tired. And yet, even so, I have been more available to others, more alert to those around me, and have had such a strong desire and capacity to love on others. Prayers have been answered within this community, God has been bringing people into our lives to love on, and we have been receiving a vast amount of encouragement from Him.

With this incredible community and with the Holy Spirit walking with us, I fully believe that we will make it though the tough days and press on together in this journey!

weekend retreat

Well, the fog might not have lifted yet from the pathway between North America and the UK/Europe, but i am happy to report that my Thurs fog has passed! Oh to be on the other side of that dreadful day is truly a delight! My mood has improved, my motivation is strong, and my outlook on life is a positive one again. Yippee!!!!

This weekend, i will be in the Catskills with my AMAZING church community for a much-needed retreat. There will be over 30 of us, living it up in a house together. I pray that the Holy Spirit speaks to us in powerful ways as we seek to know Him and each other better. I pray for spirits of transparency and joy to fill the house. I pray for safety and good health for all of us. I pray for a spirit of renewal to come upon each of us, so that we may return to the city energized and ready to live mightily for Him. And lastly, i pray that this will be a time of CELEBRATION as we bask in the goodness and grace of Jesus.

Let the fun begin!! :)

thursdays

Thursdays. SUCH DIFFICULT DAYS TO GET THROUGH.

We're oh so close to the sweetness of Fridays but wait, we've gotta make it through this stinkin' day first. We've almost made it to the very end of the week which means that the weekend is very close by...but not here yet! So i endure. I trudge through this thursday in hopes that the lights of friday will soon be shining brightly upon me. How sweet that day will be!! Just gotta get through this one first.

Even when good things happen on Thursday (today is a perfect example of this!), its still a day that i'm excited to have behind me.

Yes, such the debbie downer i become on thursdays. Womp-womp.