a great story

I've been reading a string of good books recently, from the fiction novel The Help to Jodie Sweetin's autobiography (which is so sad!). The latest is Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I would classify him as a brilliant author in that he tells stories in a way that shows he is just as much on a journey as the rest of us. He isn't at the "end" and now telling us all how to live. He's rather in the midst of it, exposing just as many of his own flaws as he is nuggets of truth. I like that. I like his transparency and boldness, feeling free enough to write about his imperfections. Heavens knows we all have them!

He shares with his readers in a very real way how God is shaping his life. Not every chapter has the word "God" in it and i think that's ok. Because if you've read Donald Miller, you know that God is sprinkled throughout his life and choices, and is simply a part of who he is.

This book talks about his discovery of the importance of a good story, in our lives, not just on the big (or small) screen. He wants to live a great story and recognizes that in order to do so, he must take risks and get out of his comfort zone. Otherwise, his life won't really be that great of a story. The more risks he takes, the bolder he becomes and then the more risks he wants to take. It's a cool cycle that once he gets in, he can't (and frankly doesn't want to) get out of.

The idea of living a great story is a really cool way to approach our lives. And when i think about the Bible, i immediately think of the richness of the stories - David and Goliath, Joseph, Moses parting the Red Sea, Jonah and the whale. And then i think about Jesus' time on earth. How did he teach? Through stories.

They are everywhere!! The great ones get passed on to new generations, through words, actions, influences, etc. The not so good ones lose a spot in history.

My prayer is that my story will be one of the good (and dare i say "great") ones. That doesnt mean that I want to be well-known, but i desire to take those risks, to radically love on people, to look at life as an adventure, and to have a positive lasting effect on those around me.

Thank you Donald Miller, for another great expression of truth and thus, another great story.

loneliness

I am taking a Group Counseling class this semester. It is a required class for my School Counseling grad school program. The class is fascinating! And so is the text book. Thankfully, my husband finds the subject of counseling about as interesting as i do because when i read this book, i often turn to him every few minutes saying, "you've gotta hear this!" It's Good Stuff.

The author, Irvin D. Yalom talks about some common, universal issues that people struggle with. Loneliness is one of these. He indicates that virtually everyone has feelings of loneliness, and that this can often lead to depression, anxiety, etc. I certainly have dealt with loneliness, even at times when no one would suspect it. I would have thought that living in New York, being surrounded by people ALL the time from the sidewalks to the subways would keep us New Yorkers from feeling lonely. In actuality, it seems to perpetuate it even more.

New York is filled with people. People on the go. People on bikes. People asking for money. People with big strollers and umbrellas (that often dominate the sidewalks and drive me nuts!, as i mentioned here). And yet it is extremely rare to cross paths unexpectedly with someone you know. We are virtually all strangers, living in proximity, sharing common modes of transportation, but yet very disconnected from each other. Thus, it can be even more lonesome in a big city because it is easy to romanticize about the life of a bustling passerby, and therefore assume that he or she is doing "just fine" while you are not.

Yet the reality is that that person we pass who appears to be "just fine" is very likely making the same judgment about us! All the while, no one is really "just fine."

I think there is such a healing power in knowing that we are not alone when it comes to some of these universal struggles.

So here I go, opening up, sharing more truth:

Do i feel lonely all the time? No.

Have i gone through seasons of loneliness? Absolutely.

Do i occasionally find myself struggling with feeling lonely? Of course.

To take it one step further, i believe that this void in our hearts will not be completely filled until we are reunited with our Maker in Heaven, which will ultimately satisfy the desires of our hearts. He is what our hearts ultimately long for, to be in community with Him, and when that day comes our loneliness will forever dissipate. Until that time, there is no getting around it. We will feel lonely and discontented, not always but some of the time (and perhaps for some, a lot of the time).

In the meantime, i have found comfort in knowing that loneliness is indeed a universal issue. We are not alone in feeling alone!! I pray that people may find rest in this fact. And that perhaps the walls we put up in order to protect ourselves may come down, so we can better know and care for one another. For me, this discovery is a freeing one! It also keeps me from prejudging those i pass and instead moves me to pray for them, their day, their heart, the struggles they have.

So as i strive to become more transparent, i hope that through this post, someone out there might feel a little less alone today.

not always rays of sunshine

In re-reading my post from yesterday, i wonder if it was a bit too jumbled for folks to gather what i was trying to convey (as i wrote in that cloudy, down state i was in). So i thought, again with the intention of being transparent, i would give a little background on where i was coming from and why it was such a big deal for me to be ok with being down.

The Lie:

Appearance is everything.

This is something that was unconsciously instilled in me oh, who knows when by who knows who. But as i think back on my life and childhood, i have no recollection of NOT believing this. As long as i appeared to be "fine," and acted like everything was ok, then the outside world would believe it. After all, why burden others with my problems? That's not what they want to hear. People want to hear good things! They want to hear the successes and only the successes.

This, again unconscious, mentality led me to push down the negative feelings and emotions. And let me tell ya, pushing them down does not make them go away! In fact, they manifested themselves, albeit subtly, in other aspects of my life and personality. For some, they will manifest into violence and drugs and loads of other dangerous choices. Thankfully, my life did not take me in that direction, or anywhere near there. Nonetheless, i had issues and many stemmed from my belief that it was not safe to express the ups and downs of life.

As the years passed, I sought counseling for other, seemingly unrelated, issues. Counseling is something i believe every person should undergo. Without it, i would never have made the connection (and so many others) between some of my personal struggles and this lie that appearances are everything. What i believed for my entire life to be the norm turned out to be nothing but a pathetic lie that had paralyzed me for years in ways beyond my own understanding. Had i not had the help from counselors, to bring to light these dark lies that had shaped so much of who i was, then i would today be vastly further from knowing, and living out, who i truly am. I would still be walking in this darkness, shoving my true self down, as far away as possible from others, because, well, that appearances thing would be dictating my choices.

Exposing this lie led me to acquire a deep, wonderful, glorious freedom within myself to express my full range of feelings and emotions, good and bad, with the people around me. I have not yet mastered this new way of living. This is, after all, 20+ years of living through the lens of a lie! Rather, I give myself grace and simply continue on this path, embracing as much as i can this newfound freedom to express myself.

Thus, on days like yesterday, i occasionally still find myself struggling to allow myself to feel down, and to let others in on it. Focusing on truth, and detaching more and more from those lies is a great tool to help me on those days.

bad day

In an attempt to be transparent on here, I would like to share that I am having a bad day. Nothing in particular is getting me down per se, but I am simply having one of those days where I feel down. And the truth is that I am giving myself a hard time for this because circumstances tell me that life is good! The sun is shining, I am blessed beyond belief with my wonderful husband, family, church family, and the list goes on and on... As I write that, i recognize how silly it is to get frustrated with myself for not feeling a certain way because of my circumstances. There's no long term substance or grounding there. Circumstances are fleeting, as are emotions. And if i look to them for my source of happiness and fulfillment, i too will be all over the map. So i turn to God. But there has been some strange distance between Him and me lately. Not a "do i believe" kind of distance at all! Rather, it's been one of those seasons where I truly have to rely on what I know to be TRUTH because the feelings are not consistent. Which is a good season to have because it reminds me of how fleeting feelings and emotions really are.

To sum it up, I will allow myself to have this bad day, accepting where i'm at without over-analyzing it (which sometimes is oh so tempting to do!).

I will, though, take captive these negative thoughts (which i know are NOT true at all), call them out, and replace them with TRUTH. If I am going to have a bad day, let me at least eliminate what i know to be false.

Truth: I am a child of God. I am beautifully and wonderfully made by Him. He DIED for me! Even if i had been the ONLY person on earth, He still would have died...for ME! I, then, (clearly!) have value. I have worth. God told me so.