not always rays of sunshine

In re-reading my post from yesterday, i wonder if it was a bit too jumbled for folks to gather what i was trying to convey (as i wrote in that cloudy, down state i was in). So i thought, again with the intention of being transparent, i would give a little background on where i was coming from and why it was such a big deal for me to be ok with being down.

The Lie:

Appearance is everything.

This is something that was unconsciously instilled in me oh, who knows when by who knows who. But as i think back on my life and childhood, i have no recollection of NOT believing this. As long as i appeared to be "fine," and acted like everything was ok, then the outside world would believe it. After all, why burden others with my problems? That's not what they want to hear. People want to hear good things! They want to hear the successes and only the successes.

This, again unconscious, mentality led me to push down the negative feelings and emotions. And let me tell ya, pushing them down does not make them go away! In fact, they manifested themselves, albeit subtly, in other aspects of my life and personality. For some, they will manifest into violence and drugs and loads of other dangerous choices. Thankfully, my life did not take me in that direction, or anywhere near there. Nonetheless, i had issues and many stemmed from my belief that it was not safe to express the ups and downs of life.

As the years passed, I sought counseling for other, seemingly unrelated, issues. Counseling is something i believe every person should undergo. Without it, i would never have made the connection (and so many others) between some of my personal struggles and this lie that appearances are everything. What i believed for my entire life to be the norm turned out to be nothing but a pathetic lie that had paralyzed me for years in ways beyond my own understanding. Had i not had the help from counselors, to bring to light these dark lies that had shaped so much of who i was, then i would today be vastly further from knowing, and living out, who i truly am. I would still be walking in this darkness, shoving my true self down, as far away as possible from others, because, well, that appearances thing would be dictating my choices.

Exposing this lie led me to acquire a deep, wonderful, glorious freedom within myself to express my full range of feelings and emotions, good and bad, with the people around me. I have not yet mastered this new way of living. This is, after all, 20+ years of living through the lens of a lie! Rather, I give myself grace and simply continue on this path, embracing as much as i can this newfound freedom to express myself.

Thus, on days like yesterday, i occasionally still find myself struggling to allow myself to feel down, and to let others in on it. Focusing on truth, and detaching more and more from those lies is a great tool to help me on those days.